Journal Time

Hello again.... I usually just add stupid things that really don't pertain to me... so I figured I would add one today because I am feeling a bit like i should. maybe its just from reading other peoples blogs... who knows. I doubt anyone will read this so i don't know if it will really make a difference if i put this down but I think it might help me to feel better if i do. but i doubt it. In the last 5 years I have gone though my share of friends. both my fault and theres. I have seen them leave for many different reasons some including LDS missions, marriage, military and just to get up and leave Utah. All in all i would say maybe 5 friends are still my friend since I was 16 years old. Most of them running away from my "troubled" past i think or just growing apart. It makes it rather hard. I have gone through a few struggles that most people only joke about... in light passing and don't think that it will effect them. I use to be one of those people. Joking about events that I felt were untouchable to me, and for those reading this is not about my divorce, and now looking back I really notice how naive I truly was in it. I have yet to find a person or friend that has gone through the same "discipline" as me which really makes me feel like a bit of a recluse, a loner or a hermit on the outside of the sphere that we all live in. seeing flaws that most wont and handling a situation that most would never even dream of. I feel like I am wandering this earth just to find that one person that understands... and not threw sympathy or empathy... but really has experienced what I did. I do fear that this day will never come and I will carry this cross myself forever. I don't think anyone will have answers I seek and yet they seem so simple, and yet it is untouched by all because they don't understand. This is not some lonely cry out to the world to find me a partner that will understand me for the rest of my life but a cry out to see if anyone else was wronged in the manner that I was. I understand that everyone has struggles some worse and some not as worse as mine, but in my situation making a connection between this problem and another is incomprehensible in my mind. it is not possible. The only thing comparable is the actual event. So I will continue to wrack my brain for an answer... question all that might have an answer... one day it will come... and I hope it makes it all better...